Occurance?

Something hit me. And it hit me hard. I’m seriously done. I quit. I don’t exactly know what I quit though. High school? Emotions? Family? Life? I guess I can pick D. All of the above. Seriously, I want to explain to the interested people that I’m so tired of making decisions and regretting them. Decisions are my worst enemy. I make a decision and hate myself for it. Lately I’ve figured I don’t care what people think, I don’t want anything to do with these feelings I feel in my gut when I think of certain guys, and I don’t want to have to impress people to get around in life. I know that’s what life’s all about, trying and succeeding but the ease of just NOT doing anything is getting to me. Does that make me a failure?

I found another reason for regret. This vent is slowly closing. I stopped talking to someone, I have no idea why. I’m scared, I feel betrayed: by them, by my own self, by people not even in this damn situation. I told them I needed time and I felt pushed even though they did NOTHING. I want to apologize to that person, and they know who they are, but they deserve so much more than me, a weak, pathetic little girl. People tell me I’m mature all the time but on the inside, I’m still that frightened, small, shuddering, dependent little kid. Being a child means I don’t have to make the decisions that are stabbing me in the back day by day. That person I was talking about is just another decision, no matter how bad that sounds. If you are reading this, you’re seriously one of the most real people I’ve ever met but I don’t think you should associate yourself with me; you’re worth so much more than anybody has ever given you credit for.

Life is so tiring and I’m not typing these words onto this blog of mine for entertainment or hatred over somebody. Everything isn’t just coming out; it’s been out for a while. Life is getting sick. The world is a twisted, messed up place. Most people I know love their life and what isn’t there to love? But I can’t find that love for life though. I need a damn map.

What do you think? Am I crazy? Seriously, I’d like for someone to tell me if I’m losing my mind because I think I’m considering just stopping. What would you serously do if I just STOPPED? If I just completely left this town and moved somewhere where no one could find me. Would you miss me? Be happy I was gone? Not care whatsoever? I wouldn’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to know or want to know. I don’t want to do anything. Wow, I wish I could play God. It would be nice to sit and watch crazy fifteen year olds with glasses type their brains out. Simple things confuse me, I listen to everybody’ problems, I mumble my words instead of trying to speak up, and I always want to make sense but I’m physically incapable.

This isn’t a rant. This is an apology, a simple sweet goodbye hello.